What happens 2 my heart now?

It's wierd....I almost forgot I even had a blog...Im glad it's still here. Praise God for Google..

Wow, my last post was before the storm. A couple days before my life changed. Before it was all over.
Before the man that I tought loved me more than anything...turned his back on me...and our son.
As I took the time to read over my earlier posts...all I could do was cry. And not a normal cry.....no.
The type of cry that brings on the migraine I now have.

Why? Why did I have to go thru all of that? What type of human being puts someone thru all I have been thru?? Its crazy. Really. That I put up with so much. I don't know if another woman would've had the strength to deal with it all. I still have no clue where my strength came from...I guess Im used to being abused. It's sad. I know.

Whats worse, is the fact that Im still tied to him. That bastard. You know, anyone else could have turned on me...and I wouldn't care if they lived or died...and wouldn't shed a tear for their passing..(yes I can be THAT cold) But I NEVER...despite the red flags..would've thought he'd do me the way he did.
YES it still hurts. Alot. I don't think I will ever be the same again. I don't even know where to begin to put my poor heart back together again...Ive tried so hard....*sobbing*

*Why???? Why did u break my heart????*

*wipes face*

I have managed to try to move forward tho...Ive been with someone for almost 2 years.
Even tho he doesn't wanna acknowledge the whole time...which doesn't make any sens does it?
But we started dating during the "winter" of my relationship...as it was destroying itself. God, that was such a dark time. Such a dark time....I was so miserable...
I can't even think about what shape my heart would be in, if it weren't for him.
He rode in on his white horse...and showed me what it was like to be loved, and cherished.
He made me feel beautiful...and special...like Ive always dreamed.

But, what happens to my heart now?

I don't wanna admit it...sometimes the pain that I deal with causes me to lash out at the world...
I'm always suffering..my heart is having a hard time healing..
I want closure that I'll NEVER be given. So what the hell am I supposed to do????
I look at our son and Im reminded everyday of what he has done. Its torture. I honestly don't know how much more I can take...
*laughs thru tears* ...And I don't even know what the hell I would do, if I got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore. Part of me wants to just run away....and never look back.

What happens to my heart now????????

Dealing with a broken heart is never easy. He's moved on, and even has the fucking nerve to post pics of his damn girlfriends kids with our son. ...OMG Im gonna be sick....BRB
***vomits***

Yes....I really got sick. I don't flaunt the fact Ive moved on..........Wait......well I guess I kinda did...Damn.

.........................................*hangs head*

What happens to my heart now????????

My boyfriend > the ex ......its that simple. My boyfriend is so much better. Period. In every way.

But this lingering pain haunts me....like Frodo's stab wound in Lord of The Rings...
I deal with it every day. I don't know what to do.

God, please make it go away.....please. Because its causing so much pain.
I feel like theres a spell on me....like someone WANTS me to suffer...and have this lingering emotion. Damnit..........its NOT FAIR.

I just want whats best. For me and my kids....and for my boyfriend too...
I want him to know how much I care for him...I want him to love me thru this pain....
Because I don't know where to put it...

Does this mean Im still in love with my ex???? God...I don't think so....I definitely wouldn't call what I feel love...its more like hate, anger, disdain, disgust, frustration..definitely NOT love....
I loathe him....even tho there are lingering flutters....I loathe his existence...

All this shit.....I don't know what to do with it....damnit....all this emotion...it sucks...
I just wanna be the cold Bitch I once was...
When I didn't.....feel....

But...if I don't feel......what happens to my heart.....