:-(

Anger........is a hell of a drug.

What happens 2 my heart now?

It's wierd....I almost forgot I even had a blog...Im glad it's still here. Praise God for Google..

Wow, my last post was before the storm. A couple days before my life changed. Before it was all over.
Before the man that I tought loved me more than anything...turned his back on me...and our son.
As I took the time to read over my earlier posts...all I could do was cry. And not a normal cry.....no.
The type of cry that brings on the migraine I now have.

Why? Why did I have to go thru all of that? What type of human being puts someone thru all I have been thru?? Its crazy. Really. That I put up with so much. I don't know if another woman would've had the strength to deal with it all. I still have no clue where my strength came from...I guess Im used to being abused. It's sad. I know.

Whats worse, is the fact that Im still tied to him. That bastard. You know, anyone else could have turned on me...and I wouldn't care if they lived or died...and wouldn't shed a tear for their passing..(yes I can be THAT cold) But I NEVER...despite the red flags..would've thought he'd do me the way he did.
YES it still hurts. Alot. I don't think I will ever be the same again. I don't even know where to begin to put my poor heart back together again...Ive tried so hard....*sobbing*

*Why???? Why did u break my heart????*

*wipes face*

I have managed to try to move forward tho...Ive been with someone for almost 2 years.
Even tho he doesn't wanna acknowledge the whole time...which doesn't make any sens does it?
But we started dating during the "winter" of my relationship...as it was destroying itself. God, that was such a dark time. Such a dark time....I was so miserable...
I can't even think about what shape my heart would be in, if it weren't for him.
He rode in on his white horse...and showed me what it was like to be loved, and cherished.
He made me feel beautiful...and special...like Ive always dreamed.

But, what happens to my heart now?

I don't wanna admit it...sometimes the pain that I deal with causes me to lash out at the world...
I'm always suffering..my heart is having a hard time healing..
I want closure that I'll NEVER be given. So what the hell am I supposed to do????
I look at our son and Im reminded everyday of what he has done. Its torture. I honestly don't know how much more I can take...
*laughs thru tears* ...And I don't even know what the hell I would do, if I got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore. Part of me wants to just run away....and never look back.

What happens to my heart now????????

Dealing with a broken heart is never easy. He's moved on, and even has the fucking nerve to post pics of his damn girlfriends kids with our son. ...OMG Im gonna be sick....BRB
***vomits***

Yes....I really got sick. I don't flaunt the fact Ive moved on..........Wait......well I guess I kinda did...Damn.

.........................................*hangs head*

What happens to my heart now????????

My boyfriend > the ex ......its that simple. My boyfriend is so much better. Period. In every way.

But this lingering pain haunts me....like Frodo's stab wound in Lord of The Rings...
I deal with it every day. I don't know what to do.

God, please make it go away.....please. Because its causing so much pain.
I feel like theres a spell on me....like someone WANTS me to suffer...and have this lingering emotion. Damnit..........its NOT FAIR.

I just want whats best. For me and my kids....and for my boyfriend too...
I want him to know how much I care for him...I want him to love me thru this pain....
Because I don't know where to put it...

Does this mean Im still in love with my ex???? God...I don't think so....I definitely wouldn't call what I feel love...its more like hate, anger, disdain, disgust, frustration..definitely NOT love....
I loathe him....even tho there are lingering flutters....I loathe his existence...

All this shit.....I don't know what to do with it....damnit....all this emotion...it sucks...
I just wanna be the cold Bitch I once was...
When I didn't.....feel....

But...if I don't feel......what happens to my heart.....

Flame ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I haven't been filled with this kind of rage in a while. I'm sick to my stomach & just wanna lash out. I'm livid.

I would think having a near death experience would make a person realize what's important in life. But no. Not him. He fucking lashes out at ME....
Like I had something to do with it.

I'm in here panicing....trying to hold it together. Trying not to run down the street screaming his name....
So scared....so worried.

I call to suspend the phone, then dig and dig to find a way to get his pay card back...I'm doing everything that someone who cares & who's supportive is supposed to do.
But its not good enough.
Not only did he push past me in the hallway....like I'm not shit....and tell me not to touch him....
But he scoffed at me because I got the little "piece of crap" BB pearl out for him.

"Why'd u pull that out" he rudely asks me.

I told him I called T-Mobile.......he balls his face up at me and smugly says to me, "Are they gonna give you a new SIM card? My whole phone is GONE."

Like I didn't know that... SMH..
I'm like, "look I'm trying to look out for you...I called T-Mobile & everything"

He says.......
"It'd be something if I actually thought you were being sincere"

O_o .. I had to fight back the urge to punch him in the face. NOT SINCERE??? Ru serious???? We have a child together...
I've fought tooth and nail for this relationship....I wanted my son to be with his father ALL of the time...I wanted us to be a family, and IM NOT SINCERE??????

I should slap your face.
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Holding out for a hero...

Wow....I haven't done a blog in forever...I even forgot my password...*sigh*
But I guess its time for me to get out what's been inside of me...

I've been meditating on what the Bible says about how a relationship should be...how a man should be...and how a woman should be...
And I'm learning how to be happy with myself...one day at a time.

I haven't felt as close to God as I do right now...I'm learing so much. So much.
Whereas before...I felt like I was trying to fill a void. I was searching for someone to love me...to accept me...but God has....he does...and I have an amazing church family.

So why? Why do I have this hunger?
Where is it coming from? I don't understand....
Why am I thinking so much about marriage? About settling down...About a family... About a future.....
Why is it so important to me?

To tell you the truth....I almost feel like I'm violating a covenant....like...iunno...I feel bad for not doing what the Bible says....

Iunno......I'm getting another migraine....
We'll talk later....
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*sigh* Some scattered thoughts...and 2 Peter 1: 5-9

2 Peter 1 ....

5 Now for this very reason also, applying all diligence, in your faith supply moral excellence, and in your moral excellence, knowledge, 6 and in your knowledge, self-control, and in your self-control, perseverance, and in your perseverance, godliness, 7 and in your godliness, brotherly kindness, and in your brotherly kindness, love. 8 For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they render you neither useless nor unfruitful in the true knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. 9 For he who lacks these qualities is blind or short-sighted, having forgotten his purification from his former sins.

***********************

Meaning if you're not practicing all the above, you're forgetting that Christ wiped your slate clean...

*sigh* I have done so well...things have been so good. But here I am again, feeling ... I don't know what I'm feeling...
I have a good heart... So why do I continue to deal with this confusion???
Why do I allow someone to make me feel like I'm nothing?

*I don't pay any bills, so I don't have a right to ask where the money is coming from??*

How can one human being talk to another one like that?? Better yet....how can someone say they love God, but talk to another person like that?? It makes me wanna shrink into a hole and disappear....
You're basically saying I'm worthless....

But I'm not...I'm not worthless...maybe I just look at the world differently. But I would give help to anyone, if I could...
And I wouldn't treat them like they were nothing if they couldn't help or repay me...
Isn't that what Christ was like? I don't understand...I just don't...

People forget that Christ said for us to do, do everything....as much as we can for our brother...

I don't know what to do...or think...I'm so upset...I can't stop crying...
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Dear Diary....God, are U listening?

Ugh....stuff has been crazy. I haven't written u in a little while....my diary...although...ur an extremely public diary....LOL
*************

Dear Diary,

My birthday is this Friday....why am I not happy? I was so excited last year. I guess I feel like this birthday doesn't matter. Iunno why. No one seems to care. I wanna be as joy filled, as I was last year.
But so much has happened. People I thought I could trust have hurt me... And yes....I actually miss her. For those brief moments....she was my friend.
But she turned out to be like the rest.

God are you listening?

I'm so uncertain about my future. *sigh* Could my business be taking off? Could this really be it? What happens now? I still need a job. I have to be able to care for my babies.....and I don't wanna be a burden, but No one wants to accept the fact that, they're gonna have to look after me. Well...except Gari...he's been around me so long, he understands the limits of my condition. I can only do so much The only time I'm not in pain, is when I'm doing nothing. What do I do???????

God are you listening?

I'm trying to be patient God....but I feel so incomplete. Barren....
I feel this longing, taking over me. Is it a trick of the enemy? This emptiness I feel? This hole in me burns....
*sigh* Maybe I've had my happiness.
I look at myself in the mirror & all I can do is cry. I don't want a lot....I just wanna be happy. I just wanna be happy......

God....please....are you listening????

I feel like I'm being used as a vessel for something....I sow Word, whenever I can... And whenever you place something on my heart....I don't have a problem being used by you....maybe its making a difference. Because if I was working, I wouldn't be able to spend so much time sowing Word into people. I'd be focused on work....
Ugh *sigh* I don't know Lord.....
I long so....*sobs* I long for a family Lord....*sobs* I long to wake up to the same person every morning...to make lunch for my children...*sobs* I long for candle lit dinners & bedtime stories...
I'm so confused...

God are you LISTENING?????

*sobbing*
God.......are.....you......listening
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Conclusion

No more emotional beat downs for me.
I refuse. I REFUSE.
I got the best part of you.
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I can change....A woman's moment of clarity.

We as women often get sucked into the whole idea of "I can change"

A man can say it over & over & over again....and no matter how done we say or think we are, we get sucked right back in. Until "it" happens.
What is "it" ??
"It" is our complete moment of clarity.
"It" can be triggered by a word, a moment, an action. Anything. We can be watching tv, when "it" hits us. Or maybe driving someplace.
Different women, different circumstances, different "it"s

You know ladies, I don't understand why we put up with some of the stuff we do. We need to start standing up for ourselves!!!!!

Men get angry because we hold onto stuff.......SO FLIPPIN WHAT.

IF YOU DIDNT CONTINUE THE IGNORANT BEHAVIORS WE WOULD LET IT GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I mean seriously. 90% of men get reminded of what they "did" because their stupid behinds continue to do what got them in trouble in the first place. DUMB.
We see it, confront you....and you LIE.
Not for US but for YOU.
Because most have GF's, wives, families, etc. Basically you have something to lose. But if it was that important, you wouldn't step out of pocket anyway.

I just don't get it. If u don't wanna do right, BE BY YOURSELF. DONT REPRODUCE.
Most importantly........
NEVER....NEVER TELL SOMEONE YOU LOVE THEM. EVER.
Because the majority of you have no CLUE what that word means, and we end up broken hearted. Lives are changed. Kids are affected. SMH....its sad.

I've got a PHD in "Catching U In A Lie"
And the tools to nail you every time....so just be honest.
Like most women I seem to have "lie to me & treat me like garbage" written on me.

But we are worthy!!! We don't deserve it and we will not stand for it anymore.

I will not stand for it anymore.....
No more "I can change"
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Feeling some kind of way....

10:35am

Well world.....I've tried to be happy all morning. I fed my son & he passed out.

I'm watching a movie & trying to find my center. But I just can't seem to.
I'm so irritated....I'm feeling really...blah. Iunno why. I'm also so tired of seeing these women that are in the clubs all the time & half dressed complaining about the fact they can't find a man.
When men are always drooling over them.

But here's the thing. Its not all about that pretty face, that makeup, those heels.......
Its what u have on the inside. If a man think you don't respect yourself, or you have self esteem issues, they will take advantage. I've tried to empower and uplift, but a lot of them just don't want to get it. They don't wanna grow up.

As for me.....

I've been here....praying, confessing, asking God to order my steps...I've handed everything over to him. The only thing I need to work on is patience. Because when ppl don't move, or answer when I think/feel that they should, it upsets me.
Just once, just once I want someone 2 be as bold as me. Not because I tell them to be, not because its what I WANT, but because they WANT 2...
Because being with me is the most important thing, under God.
My Lancelot.....*tears*

11:21 am

As I lay here....a thought hit me....
I don't wanna end up like the women in my family.......my God....

My grandmother had been treated badly, but had been with my grandfather for years. She had been abused at one point, cheated on....but she still remained this beautiful spirit....
She passed from Emphysema....all because of the second hand smoke...
She died tied to a man that wasn't really there....

One aunt passed because she was ill....and didn't have anyone. 2 girls, by 2 different men, and both did her wrong.
She died alone.....

My other aunt passed because she was ill also....she had Multiple Sclerosis....and her Ex Husband, who cheated and did her beyond dirty....stressed her on purpose, so she would become sicker....she couldn't even understand us, or comprehend anything when she passed.....
She died alone....

All of the most important & influential women in my life *sobbing* Passed away, sick, and without knowing that its possible for a man to do right by them....

I don't want that for me.....
I want them to look down on me and smile....because I changed my stars. Because something else is in store for me......I don't want to die....alone....
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Is my clock...ticking? Or do I just love being a mom?

*sigh* I've had something on my mind lately. I've been dreaming about babies.
LOL....its been on my mind a lot. I don't know why.

As my 31st birthday draws near, I find myself really looking towards the future.....and that is as it should be.
This is the time in a person's life, when they should be settling down (if they haven't already) and starting a family. Well.....I've got a little family of my own. I have 2 amazing boys.
I'm working on starting my own business & I am trying to go back to school.
Progress is awesome. (^_^)

I am on the verge of a breakthrough.
But as I laid in my bed on Sat....watching my 2yr old sleep....I had an epiphany.....
And it hit me, like an open handed slap in the face............
I want another baby.

Now those that have kids, understand what I am feeling. Especially those women that love the entire experience of being pregnant. No matter what happens during the pregnancy. I love how I look, how I feel, I love knowing I've created a human life...and caring for it. Its amazing to watch something U created grow....and...
LOL I feel so sexy during pregnancy....
#DontJudgeMe But....

It makes me feel like a Goddess....

I made a vow though, that I will not have any more children out of wedlock.
Which poses a problem. I'm more than ready to move into the next stage in my life. But not everyone is. What do I do????
U cannot make someone "ready"
But I want another child. Soon.

I've been praying a lot about it. I know an answer is coming....

For now....all I can do is wait....
*and pick out baby stuff*
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Emotional Beat downs....why me Lord??????

UUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just wanna scream right now!!! I truly think that I was born in the wrong era. Because I look at the world so different than everyone else. RESPECT is such a big deal.

Even tho I have a temper, that I have to keep in check, I don't blatantly disrespect people. But people do it to me. WHY? It makes NO SENSE. One person in particular, let's call him "Darth Vadar"....seems to LIVE just to be nasty to me....and I don't know why.....

He's such a bully.....for no reason....

Clearly he doesn't care, iunno why. Maybe its because I'm sensitive, maybe its because another woman might've punched him in the face...and I just take it....
I don't know. But he makes me wanna step back into the ignorant, violent person I was so many years ago. These flames build up inside me...I cannot stop it. ( ; _ ; )
I try so hard to pray it off me...I know that he's just being used by the enemy... But it doesn't bring me any comfort. I wish that it did....

Even when others let him know that he's being disrespectful, he shrugs it off like its nothing. Why?? Why not just listen???

I just wanna cry...........
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Early Morning Epiphanies...

Ok...so I'm wide awake, and have been since 4am. My mind has been racing & I needed an outlet.

Hmmmmm.....ok.

1. Sopisticated is something that you ARE. Its something u exude. Its not something a dress, heels, a hairdo, or anything else makes you. Especially if you have a mouth like a sailor. Sooooo...
#PleaseStopSayingIt

2. Outward beauty is fleeting...People are so shallow these days. Its the beauty that's INSIDE of you that you should be nurturing. Be proud of it. Don't let the world's view on beauty cloud your mind.
*A tight dress doesn't make u beautiful.
*A cute haircut, or good hair doesn't make u beautiful.
*Stilletos don't make u beautiful.
*Makeup doesn't make u beautiful.
Etc, etc, etc.

All those things were created to be ornaments. You're just as amazing without them.
Allow the strength & beauty of ur <3 2 shine through...
And you will glow like an angel...

3. I can understand that everyone likes to have a good time & that's great. So do I.
But seriously...
When do we grow out of the club hopping????????
YOU ARE NOT GONNA FIND A GOOD MAN IN THE CLUB!!!!
The ones that are there, wanna see u in that skin tight dress, that barely covers ur coulo...
If u are doing it because deep down u wanna feel important, ((not judging because that's how I was at one point)) and being validated is what u need...then join "Big Brothers/Big Sisters of America"
Once in a while is fine, but if that's all u can do with ur time, a hobby might be needed.

4. Treat people how u wanna be treated. You never know when ur gonna need help.
Think about how u can bless others, when u put positive energy out, u get it back in unexpected ways.
*I know too many ppl, who have been in a position to help, when I've really needed it & didn't even return a call or a text.
((U know who u are))
"I've got my own problems" or "I don't have time" or "You'll be ok"...
Everyone has their own issues, but U never know if U missed a blessing, or a learning experience, because of ur focus on "self"

5. Help someone...
Have a "Help Lunch"
Get together with friends, folks u know, and write what you need help with on paper. (Babysitting, someone 2 do ur hair, help around the house, school supplies..etc)
It could be anything.
Fold them up & each person pick one out of a hat. Then try to help ur friend with that issue.
Imagine the joy u will get, from helping another person.
Do it once a month.

****************

Just a few random thoughts that were on my mind......
*yawn*
Love yall...and I'm always here!!!

Approval not desired nor required...I have Jesus (addressing gossip)

A juicy tale seems so sweet on the tongue, yet as it works its way deeper, it becomes bitter and harmful. We often have the mistaken notion that if we emphasize something bad about another, it will make us look better. Scripturally, the opposite is true. I Corinthians 12:26 teaches us that if one member suffers, all the parts share the suffering. Like a boomerang, our weapon against our brother will eventually return to smack us. The trader in gossip suffers as much as the victim. Trading in gossip appears analogous to contracting a severe communicable disease, like pulmonary tuberculosis, which, if not arrested, could cost us our eternal life. The effects upon the gossiper's character are initially unnoticeable, but the symptoms gradually worsen until the talebearer becomes engulfed in the paroxysms of bitterness and hatred. {via David F. Maas : Purging the Rumor Bug from the Body of Christ}

Now a few things have come to my attention, and after a lot of prayer Im choosing to address them. Like a SPA (Spirit-filled, Anointed & Powerful) Woman.

The gossip thing is getting to be a bit much. We all have a life to live, no one has a right to judge anyone.YET I SEE IT...WE SEE IT ON HERE EVERY DAY!!!!!!Let people make their own choices. If you have an issue with how someone is, then pray first and give them some Word on it.

People don't change people...GOD changes people. Sometimes you have to let people be who they are & pray for them. Give them Word & be an example.....No one should be that important, that they're always being talked about...but GOD.
It's an issue even when it comes to me. It has come to my attention, that a few folks, have issues with gossiping about & bashing me. I find this extremely funny, because if you have Word, if you have Jesus & He is the center of your life, you should know that God doesn't like gossip. He wants no parts of it & those that take part in it are dealt with. Especially when you're messing with one of His children.

James 3:2 says "We all stumble in many ways. If anyone is never at fault in what he says, he is a perfect man, able to keep his whole body in check."

No one is perfect. I definitely don't presume so much as to say I am. However, I do know that those that choose to talk about people like a dog, are really bitter, empty, unhappy individuals who just need to give themselves completely to God. They are searching for something to validate themselves & make themselves feel more important...whole.There is NOTHING, NO ONE who will make you whole except JESUS.

James 3:5-6 & 9-10 also say, "Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell. With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be.

I have been through and seen a lot in my life. Please don't think you know me, or what I have been through. Because everyone "thinks" they know something. No one really knows but God & me. Talking about what you THINK you know, with someone else that THINKS they know & another person that knows EVEN LESS than you in the end does nothing but waste time. Time that you could spend praising God & thanking Him for getting you over. Here's a good question, if you haven't been part of the solution, have you been part of the problem?? Because what has gossiping about it done?? NOTHING.
You never know what someone is going through.
Now I've heard the old, "Well I don't say it to their face"Well what is the point, if you don't have the heart or the ability to say something classy, tactfully & in love?? That is what changes things. If you don't care enough to do that for someone, then find a hobby.
            *********************************************************************
Even with my situation as an example....What has hating on & bashing me done? NOTHING. What has pointing the finger at me done? NOTHING. What has bashing me in front of my child done?? NOTHING. But hurt me & my baby...and show that you need to turn your life over to Jesus. WHAT HAS ALL OF THE ABOVE DONE? WHAT HAS BEEN GAINED? NOT A THING...

You knowingly & willingly do damage to another human being, and give the enemy a foothold on you at the same time.
Not to mention you're setting up a blessing. So THANKS (^_^) and PRAISE GOD!!!!!!I have always done the best I could. Every step for me has been growth, and getting me closer to this exact point in my life. I'm happy. I'm happy because God is doing something with me & in the end HE will get the glory for all I am going to do. I haven't made the best choices, but I've always made them with the purest of intentions. Those that actually KNOW ME, know that. And they are the one's that chose to empower, encourage & love me...just the way I am...

I understand now, that God has had a plan for me all along. He saw something in me, something that for a longtime I didn't even see myself. Im still trying to figure it all out, but because I am moving forward...the enemy is trying to keep me in bondage. I REFUSE TO LET HIM...THE DEVIL IS A LIAR!!!!!!!!!!!!

In John 10, Jesus said: "I am the gate; whoever enters through me will be saved. He will come in and go out, and find pasture. The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."

If people spent more time actually helping one another, doing stuff out of <3 , not looking to benefit from it financially & trying to add to God's Kingdom...how amazing society would be. I've got so much love for people. I try to do whatever I can, whenever I can. I follow the example of the awesome women & men of God, He's placed in my life...I learn from them. They know how to love, how to treat people.
1 John 3 tells how we should be toward one another.....

1 John 3:4-10 & 14-20  "Everyone who sins breaks the law; in fact, sin is lawlessness. But you know that he appeared so that he might take away our sins. And in him is no sin. No one who lives in him keeps on sinning. No one who continues to sin has either seen him or known him. Dear children, do not let anyone lead you astray. He who does what is right is righteous, just as he is righteous. He who does what is sinful is of the devil, because the devil has been sinning from the beginning. The reason the Son of God appeared was to destroy the devil's work. No one who is born of God will continue to sin, because God's seed remains in him; he cannot go on sinning, because he has been born of God. This is how we know who the children of God are and who the children of the devil are: Anyone who does not do what is right is not a child of God; nor is anyone who does not love his brother.

We know that we have passed from death to life, because we love our brothers. Anyone who does not love remains in death. Anyone who hates his brother is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life in him. This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth. This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything."

Human beings allow their own issues & selfishness to keep themselves from helping another. That in turn could block your blessings.
Think for a sec.....How many opportunities have you been given to help make a difference, encourage someone, help by sharing your testimony, lift someone's spirits...or possibly change someone's life....and you shut a door, that was opened for a reason??

Learn to be more understanding when it comes to dealing with people. Patience IS a virtue. Be wise in all your dealings...allow the wisdom gained by being grounded in the Word to surface first.

James 3:13-18 says, "Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show it by his good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. Such "wisdom" does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil. For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.  But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness."

Human nature greedily swallows gossip. God warns here that gossip is never superficial but that we thoroughly assimilate it to become part of us. Lies about others die hard because, in our vanity, we are so eager to elevate ourselves while mentally putting down another.
Check yourself...Before you speak, ask yourself, IS IT NECESSARY...IS IT KIND...IS IT TRUE...DOES IT IMPROVE ON THE SILENCE???
Here is a good maxim to live by: Never believe anything bad about a person unless you know it to be absolutely true; never tell it unless it is absolutely necessary; and remember, fear God, for He is listening while you tell it.

A deeper level of intimacy....

Ive been thinking & doing alot of reading lately, and I wanted to share with my new family....ready?? Great!! here we go!!

The Divorce rate in the US is the highest in THE WORLD. I, myself, am a divorcee.I can admit, I chose wrong. But that's just it. I CHOSE. I didn't let God handle it for me.

There are a few things that people should think about.

• God made man from the dust of the ground. 
• He created him for a purpose & knew he would need help. 
• So He caused Adam to fall into a deep sleep and created Woman from his rib. 
• Evidence of this is in Gen 2:5,7 & 20-23  

Genesis 2:5 And every plant of the field before it was in the earth, and every herb of the field before it grew: for the LORD God had not caused it to rain upon the earth, and there was not a man to till the ground.

2:7 And the LORD God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul.

2:20-23  And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him. And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.

That's BEYOND profound to me.
And so many women miss that. We were created FROM man. So when a woman says, "when I'm blessed with  "A"  husband" or something to that effect, I just have to shake my head. There is a SPECIFIC man that we are predestined to be with. That's why there are marriages that run like well oiled machines. Because the husband & wife are connected on a deeper level than most. That thought makes me smile.

That God created ME from a special man. A man that knows me from the most special place that u can ever know someone....and our purpose is to show the world that the Word works & bring people to the Kingdom. That in itself is reason enough for me to grow and become better & wait until I'm "whole" through Christ, before I'm given back to my husband. So we can be an awesome example to those that have given up on marriage & family. There's nothing wrong with love. Or being in love. But I sure take comfort in knowing that my husband will know exactly how to deal with my quirks, my moods & understand my outlook on life. Because he will KNOW me.

Thats the comfort & reassurance that you can only get from GOD. Knowing that you didn't just jump into a marriage because you didn't wanna be alone, because you had children with someone, or because you were with the person for so long that getting married seemed to make sense.  You waited patiently, heard from God and ended up with EXACTLY who HE had for you.

Six states -- Florida, Maryland, Minnesota, Oklahoma, Georgia and Tennessee -- have passed legislation that encourages couples to attend premarital counseling by offering reductions on marriage license fees. There's nothing wrong with discussing anything and everything...ahead of time. Know what you're dealing with, and how to understand one another.Lack of communication damages...more than you will ever know.
People go into a marriage with preconceived notions, ideas that have been subconsiously programmed into your head, because of what you have seen...heard...experienced...or because of how you've seen your parents act toward one another.

Recognize, that in alot of ways...you might still be stuck in "The Matrix"
And it's time to wake up.
The bottom line is, to have a deeper level of intimacy...God MUST be, and stay at the center of your life.
AND your marriage. He must be the foundation.

Whats in my heart, God only knows...but I poured it out anyway...

Just how Im feeling...a little reflection, a little scripture, a lot of babbling...either way, it'll be nice to get it off my chest. (^_^)
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At this point in my life I can honestly say Im happy. I've got my family, 2 amazing boys that love me very much, I've got a job, a roof over my head & I've got JESUS...Life is good.

And yet....I feel that something is missing. I've tried 2 settle down and it hasn't worked for me.
CLEARLY........(O_o) *blank stare*
I was left with a void that God has filled, and a dislike for relationships, although I love being in love...

I know that in the end, it will be God who reveals to me who my mate is.
*smile* And I completely trust in Him...He has my best interests at heart.
After all, he took the time to create someone amazing, then created me, from his rib. God is awesome...
But that doesn't make how I feel from time to time any easier. Im still just a human.
And from time to time, my <3 still aches...
It calls out...searching...for my true love...

Ive been doing alot of reading lately and 1 Corinthians has given me comfort.
reading the Word gives me comfort. It reminds me of God's promises.

The passage in 1 Corinthians 7 has always been the subject of debate. It speaks on marriage.
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1 Corinthians 7

Marriage

1 Now for the matters you wrote about: It is good for a man not to marry. 2 But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. 3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 6 I say this as a concession, not as a command. 7 I wish that all men were as I am. But each man has his own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.
8 Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. 9 But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

10 To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. 11 But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.

12 To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. 13 And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.

15 But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. 16 How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?

17 Nevertheless, each one should retain the place in life that the Lord assigned to him and to which God has called him. This is the rule I lay down in all the churches. 18 Was a man already circumcised when he was called? He should not become uncircumcised. Was a man uncircumcised when he was called? He should not be circumcised. 19 Circumcision is nothing and uncircumcision is nothing. Keeping God's commands is what counts. 20 Each one should remain in the situation which he was in when God called him. 21 Were you a slave when you were called? Don't let it trouble you—although if you can gain your freedom, do so. 22 For he who was a slave when he was called by the Lord is the Lord's freedman; similarly, he who was a free man when he was called is Christ's slave. 23 You were bought at a price; do not become slaves of men. 24 Brothers, each man, as responsible to God, should remain in the situation God called him to.

25 Now about virgins: I have no command from the Lord, but I give a judgment as one who by the Lord's mercy is trustworthy. 26 Because of the present crisis, I think that it is good for you to remain as you are. 27 Are you married? Do not seek a divorce. Are you unmarried? Do not look for a wife. 28 But if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this.

29 What I mean, brothers, is that the time is short. From now on those who have wives should live as if they had none; 30 those who mourn, as if they did not; those who are happy, as if they were not; those who buy something, as if it were not theirs to keep; 31 those who use the things of the world, as if not engrossed in them. For this world in its present form is passing away.

32 I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord's affairs—how he can please the Lord. 33 But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife— 34 and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. 35 I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord.

36 If anyone thinks he is acting improperly toward the virgin he is engaged to, and if she is getting along in years and he feels he ought to marry, he should do as he wants. He is not sinning. They should get married. 37 But the man who has settled the matter in his own mind, who is under no compulsion but has control over his own will, and who has made up his mind not to marry the virgin—this man also does the right thing. 38 So then, he who marries the virgin does right, but he who does not marry her does even better.

39 A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord. 40 In my judgment, she is happier if she stays as she is—and I think that I too have the Spirit of God.
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To be honest, Im a pretty "passionate" person. (and thats being PC)
Is it wrong for me to want a husband so that I am not sinning?
Although I refuse to settle for less than I am worthy of.
Now PLEASE don't get me wrong, I want the man GOD has for me & Im willing to wait for him until he is ready for me. Until I am ready. Until I am WHOLE. I am willing to work on myself & become a better person...a strong woman of God.
I have chosen to focus on myself and my walk, so that I will be able to hear from God when he speaks to me. I wanna be able to hear from Him.
I wanna be an asset to my husband & not a liability.
I will become that Virtuous Woman in Proverbs 31...

And my husband will be an incredible man of God.

I've gotten to this point where I understand relationships so much better.
Its not hard to make a relationship/marriage work.
I've got 10 easy steps.....

1) Keep God as the center of your life.
2) Keep God as the center of your relationship.
3) Pray for each other.
4) Pray together.
5) Always push each other to become better.
6) Always work on becoming better.
7) Love each other enough to tell the truth.
8) Tell the truth in love...don't be harsh or malicious about it.
9) Never go to bed angry/holding onto stuff.
10) Keep GODLY counsel & everyone else out your business.

Everything else ties into the above....
You will love, respect, honor each other, communicate in a healthy way, there will be LESS trust issues, cheating, etc. AS LONG AS GOD IS AT THE CENTER OF EVERYTHING.
Now notice I didnt say "no"...thats because if you focus on God, you will always be under attack. But trouble doesnt last...you have the ability to go to the Father & pray whatever it is off you.
You will be delivered.
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I know that being a wife would make me happy, Im a "cater to you" type woman. And I wanna create something amazing with someone...I want this strong amazing family, who does good & makes a difference. And...the best thing is...GOD will get the glory.
I want a "whole" family. I long for that...I have for a while...
IS THERE ANYTHING WRONG WITH WANTING ONE PERSON TO LOVE AND HAVE THEM LOVE YOU FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE????????
I know that my breakthrough is coming...............
But what do I do til then??
Most men don't understand the significance of the commitment, let alone being a good husband/father. It stops being just about your wants/needs as soon as u get married. You have to care for another.

You have to care enough about yourself to know where you are headed in life, before you can expect to lead me. I guess its about vision.
To be my husband, you must have a vision for your life.
Because I was created to be your helper.
How can I help you, if you have no vision?
Thats not my opinion...thats BIBLE.
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18 The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him."

19 Now the LORD God had formed out of the ground all the beasts of the field and all the birds of the air. He brought them to the man to see what he would name them; and whatever the man called each living creature, that was its name. 20 So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds of the air and all the beasts of the field.
But for Adam no suitable helper was found. 21 So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man's ribs and closed up the place with flesh. 22 Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.
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Im here to help....
But for now, I must work on me...and thats ok.
Im finding my center.
Im just tired of being confused.
Im tired of people telling me who's best for me. GOD knows who is best for me.
ITS ABOUT WHO HE WANTS FOR ME...Not who my family likes, who my friends are attached to, or who might seem like they're the best fit for me...

Maybe someone will be placed in my life so that I can learn from them. But when their time is up, God will give them peace and allow them to move on. He will not allow you to be left heartbroken.
Every relationship I have been in has prepared me. Contrary to what many people think, if someone isnt meant to be in your life, or involved with you, GOD WILL REMOVE THEM.
The thing is...u cant be selfish. Let God move in your life....

I wouldnt have it any other way.....

Old Thoughts....revisited.

I feel the need to get this out of my system....not just for me, but for ALL of those women/men that have gone through it and had no one stand up for them.




HERE WE GO....

When you are in a relationship, (Im talking a real, long term commitment.)

LONG TERM GF/BF,Engaged, Married, etc....you have to be really careful about what you say & do.

Trust is a very precious thing and it can be damaged easily. The question is...can you come back from the "dark side" once your relationship has stepped into the other plain....I think so.



But it wont be easy...it takes alot of work to rebuild something like that once its been disrespected. Women have a tendancy to over react...while men love to be nonshalant & cold. Thats where the problems really begin. PEOPLE NEED TO THINK!!!!

You let insecurity in when you damage the trust in your relationship. Whether you know it or not...people carry that with them.

I'm saying is that insecurity is like a weed that takes root in a relationship...which is your garden..

It gets to the very core of it and its hard to get rid of. Of a woman/man has done something to dishonor the trust in a relationship, its hard to get rid of the leftover "weeds" in your garden...both people have to work to get that trust back.



And when both people aren't putting forth the same amount of effort...it may leave the woman or the man feeling unfulfilled and worried that the same thing will happen again......



You cannot say that someone is "being insecure" and that its all in their mind.



"You see, madness, as you know, is like gravity. All it takes is a little push!" -- Joker (The Dark Knight)



Once that insecurity has crept into a relationship, it is like pushing someone off a cliff....

You spend days/nights worried, wondering if you will be hurt again. Then you check cell phones, email, you ask questions, you argue and fuss....all because you are looking for what you found the first time. You completely drown in this ocean of frustration. I have seen it all....

And it can carry over...into a new relationship. Healing takes time and u MAY be able to pull yourself back up onto solid ground.....BUT



If someone else gives you that PUSH...and they KNEW what you have been through...

IT IS UP TO THEIR ASS TO HELP REPAIR WHAT HAS BEEN BROKEN.....

Sit and THINK about what you did to get it to this point DAMNIT...and FIX IT.

If the other person wants to be with you...it WILL be worth the effort. BUT dont say that you havent been given a chance, and CLEARLY you've been loafing on making things better. Take it one day at a time. One random act of kindness a day. One hug, one kiss...

People are just that...people. They are not perfect, they lie, make mistakes & allow themselves to be seduced by the opposite sex. But its up to you whether or not you will deal with it and try to make things better.

Women are NOT insecure by nature. Somewhere along the line, they were hurt by someone.

Men should NOT think that they aren"t responsible for putting together a woman once she has been BROKEN!! Same goes for ANY WOMAN that has done it to a GUY.

FIX WHAT YOU HAVE BROKEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Insecurity is not all in our minds...it is real.

Its a poison on the tip of the knife that you have used to stab the person you love....